bonhoeffer reprisal

here's a funny new thing about having a blog. during the day, i'll notice things that happen and i think to myself: make a blog about that. so its funny, there's a new kind of awareness that comes. i kind of like it.

i heard this beautiful man named don swearer speak (the director of hds' center for the study of world religions) from personal experience about how holds the tensions between his academic and spiritual life. he read this heartwrenching poem from dietrich bonhoeffer (written from prison before being killed by the nazis for standing up to them):

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
March 4,1946

dan mckanan had me read some of his stuff during my thesis prep. i just didn't get it (i have, admittedly, been much helped by a recent and fantastic documentary about bonhoeffer's life). i just like it. its compelling. i should read more bonhoeffer. i am happy to be reminded what brought me here--this blending and weaving of peace studies and theology that has never been as distinct as the two titles on my undergrad degree suggest.

swearer ended his talk by suggesting that academics and spiritually need not be polar opposites which we are always trying to hold in tension. i agree...for me, they feed much more into each other than that.

all the talking about tensions and paradox! has someone written a theology of paradox yet?

peaceout, k.